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Below is feedback and examples based on student papers. Think about these
for both your positive and negative message memos.
Reader Focus vs. Company Focus
We always want to strive for reader focus and reader benefits over the
company. For example, this statement is very company focused:
"We are providing you this fitness center at no extra cost because
we believe it will add value to the company."
Compare that with this reader focused statement:
"This fitness center is another step our companyu is taking to create
the best work setting for our employees. As a company, we understand that
without our employees we would be nowhere. We encourage hard work and
didcation and in return look to show you the same. This new fitness center
will give you an opportunity to have fun and relax while at work."
Bullet Points
Some information works well as bullet points while other information
is more appropriate in paragraph form. Which of the following works and
is in correct parallel form?
"Policy for the New Fitness Center
-Open from 6am to 10pm daily.
-At least one qualified instructor will be on duty at all times.
-Employees get first preference.
-Clients, spouses, and children may also use the facilities when other
employees are not.
-Locker and showers will be available at your convenience."
"Our new fitness center will include the following amenities:
-Aerobics classes
-Yoga classes
-Swimming Pool
-Weight machines
-Locker rooms and showers"
Positive Information First
Put the positive information first. What is wrong with the following
example?
"Employee medical insurance is paid for by the company; therefore,
the savings from healthier employees will ultimately pay for the center.
In other words, there will be no fees to be paid. The cost of the center
comes at the expense of you enhancing your health, which in turn benefit
the company."
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